made me chuckle....
8.30: The early bird and all that: I give Portsmouth a bell about the boy Kranjcar. Good player; but he don't bother with the golf. That's a worry.
9.00: Have a look through some old programmes to see if there's anyone who's played for me previous that I can re-sign.
9.45: Marco Boogers won't take my calls. Sod him.
10.15: Bell the last of my former signings: Di Canio. Maybe there's a little bit of business to be done there? Di Canio sounds mental - ranting and raving about Mussolini. Probably eaten a dodgy pontiff or something.
11.45: Sell Crouch to Portsmouth for £5million.
11.48: Buy Crouch from Portsmouth for £7million. He's definitely the player I need to compete on several fronts at once.
12.03: Do a bit of work on one of my party pieces: how it's impossible to compete on several fronts at once with the players I've got.
1.00: Hear a rumour that Kranjcar don't like going racing.
1.10: And another one that he don't even drink.
1.30: Decide I'd better not sell David Bentley after all.
2.00: Sell Bentley to Manchester City for eight.
2.05: Buy Bentley back for ten. The money them Arabs have brought in is crazy - it's totally changed the game, priced everyone else out of the market. It's a madhouse these days.
3.00: The last thing I need is that Bentley prancing around like he's got a sticky bun up his backside, thinking he's made it in the game, giving it the large when he's just a kid with decent ability.
3.15: Give Anton Ferdinand a bell. He can sort Bentley out.
3.20: Ferdinand's agent don't fancy it. Says he's got his eye on a new Ferrari and he's putting it to his boy that City are keen.
3.30: Brian Woolnough phones up to see if he can do a piece called 'Harry: The Barrow Boy With The Midas Touch'.
3.35: Miss Brian's call unfortunately - had Jeff Powell on the other line asking me for some quotes for his piece 'Anglo-Saxon Merchant Harry Showing Viking Marauders And Greasy Marco Polos How We Do It Here In This Proud Nation Of Shopkeepers'.
3.50: Martin Petrov wants to come here. Who wouldn't?
3.55: Apparently he bothers with the golf, this Petrov. Phone Man City, offer them one pound forty. Test how serious they are.
4.00: Unknown quantity though: Petrov ain't played for me before. Best left well alone.
4.39: Decide I'll have a bit of fun. Call David James up. "Harry! Harry! Thank God," says Jameo. "I knew you'd come back for me."
5.00: Ask David James if he's done any good pictures recently and hang up as he starts sobbing. A good day all round.