We Wish You Were English

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We Wish You Were English

Postby ant london » Tue Apr 20, 2010 10:53 am

Funny little item from Football365 today....I like the description of Nigel!!

Top Ten: We Wish You Were English...

We're suspending reality here at F365, and pretending that we have the power to pick anyone from the Premier League for the England side. So which foreigners would do a job for Fabio...?

NB - This is not a list of the best ten foreigners in the Premier League. Just those who would fit into Capello's preferred system, and would fill any gaps and beef up any weaknesses in the current national squad.


10 - Florent Malouda
It's a worrying time to be an England fan. If our top players aren't injured, they're chronically out of form, and nobody encapsulates that fear more than one S.Gerrard. His role from the left is far from his ideal position, and while his understanding with Wayne Rooney was promising in the qualifiers, it's tough to see how he can reverse this season of sub-standard performances and provide the sort of threat Capello requires. So the simplest thing to do, in this fantasy world without borders, is to draft in the best left-winger currently plying his trade on these shores.


9 - Mikel Arteta
And if we can't have a natural left-footer, let's have someone who can do the Gerrard, cutting-in-from-the-left thing but, you know, much better. Given that he's never actually represented Spain, this one is slightly more realistic than the others. We're pinko Guardian-reading types, so we really don't mind foreigners coming over here and taking our jobs, but only if they have Arteta's sweet right foot.


8 - Gareth Bale
Remember when Gareth Bale was a punchline? The man who had never featured in a league win for Spurs in two seasons? A man almost written off last season, it's no coincidence that Tottenham's brilliant recent run (seven wins from the last eight) has come with Bale providing thrust, excellent crossing and general excellence from the left flank. Bale would kill two of England's problem birds with one stone too - the lack of a truly talented natural left-winger, and lack of back-up for Ashley Cole. A colleague said on Monday 'How Welsh is Gareth Bale?' Alas for England fans, he's very, born-and-raised-in-Cardiff Welsh. Gah.


7 - Pepe Reina
Leaving aside his excellent shot-stopping and, for a relatively short goalie, his strength from crosses, imagine what Reina's peerless distribution could do for the England side. Picture Reina (or James Queen, as we're naming him for this exercise) claiming a cross, spotting the blur of little Aaron Lennon's legs speeding up the right wing, and zinging a bullet-like throw out to the wee man. England don't have a top-notch keeper, but Spain have so many that Victor Valdes doesn't even have a chance of making their World Cup squad. Be fair Senors, share the wealth.


6 - Didier Drogba
Capello's current Plan A relies on Wayne Rooney feeding off a big man, so while we're suspending reality and dragooning the Premier League's finest into renouncing their nationality, why not go for the best big man around? This one even scores the odd goal. Little more needs to be said.


5 - Emmanuel Adebayor
If Drogba isn't available in this alternate universe we've just made up, the gangly Togo forward would do nicely. Adebayor has the added benefit of playing in roughly the same system as Fabio's England, with a very skillful pitbull playing off him, and wide men cutting in from the flanks. He's retired from international football for a very good reason, but if we promise to bullet-proof the team bus, could he be tempted?


4 - Nigel de Jong
We're appreciators of the beautiful game here at F365. We enjoy a silky flowing move, a perfectly weighted pass, a jink that leaves a defender flummoxed. Our walls are adorned with pictures of Dennis Bergkamp, Xavi and Zinedine Zidane. We appreciate the cerebral approach of Pep Guardiola and Arsene Wenger. However, we also enjoy a hard-as-nails type who will just as soon boot you in the air as dribble around you, something that England lack. Lorik Cana was dismissed as being something of a disciplinary liability, so instead we'd pick the man who makes England's current 'enforcer' Gareth Barry look like Alan Carr.


3 - Michael Essien
Either that, or have a man even harder than nails who can also pass, shoot and bully opposition midfielders into nervous breakdowns. We know he's injured, but in the real world he was born in Accra, so his knacked knee is the least serious obstacle to him trotting out wearing the Three Lions.


2 - Nemanja Vidic
At the risk of simply turning this into a list of really good foreigners, the previously sorted centre-half position has become a real worry over the past year or so. Rio Ferdinand and John Terry's fragility (physical in both cases, but temprament for Terry too) is deeply concerning, leading some to wonder about English replacements for the pair. Since this column doesn't bother with fripperies such as Englishness or otherwise, Vidic would do very nicely to replace the former captain, who is rapidly becoming a liability with his lack of pace and penchant for getting himself in trouble, both on and off the pitch. Vidic has all the chest-thumping qualities that little Englanders adore, but is not burdened with the turning circle of an oil tanker.


1 - Heurelho Gomes
Is the big Brazilian with the suspiciously small head the best keeper in the Premier League at the moment? He's certainly the most improved, going from the laughing stock who made a habit of shovelling balls into his own net, to the colossus who made that physics-defying save from Robin van Persie's free-kick last Wednesday. When he signed from PSV, your correspondent warned any Spurs fan who'd listen that they had signed the Brazilian David James, and for the first few months at least, it was unusually prescient. However, you won't catch Gomes making any Jamesian gaffes these days.

Nick Miller
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Re: We Wish You Were English

Postby DoomMerchant » Tue Apr 20, 2010 12:26 pm

nice read. love seeing NDJ and Ade in that list.

i can't fuclin wait for the World Cup. If City get 4th i might be drinking for a month and gain 20 lbs before the American tour. If they lose out on 4th i might be drinking for a month and gain 20 lbs before the American tour. Sigh.

cheers
viVa el ciTy!

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Re: We Wish You Were English

Postby Slim » Tue Apr 20, 2010 12:30 pm

DoomMerchant wrote:nice read. love seeing NDJ and Ade in that list.

i can't fuclin wait for the World Cup. If City get 4th i might be drinking for a month and gain 20 lbs before the American tour. If they lose out on 4th i might be drinking for a month and gain 20 lbs before the American tour. Sigh.

cheers


Not coming to SA then are ya? Yanks vs Brits, only no frenchies helping you out this time.
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Re: We Wish You Were English

Postby King Kev » Tue Apr 20, 2010 2:20 pm

5 - Emmanuel Adebayor
If Drogba isn't available in this alternate universe we've just made up, the gangly Togo forward would do nicely. Adebayor has the added benefit of playing in roughly the same system as Fabio's England, with a very skillful pitbull playing off him, and wide men cutting in from the flanks. He's retired from international football for a very good reason, but if we promise to bullet-proof the team bus, could he be tempted?


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Re: We Wish You Were English

Postby Gloryhunter123 » Tue Apr 20, 2010 2:56 pm

That comment on ade is bang out of order .
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Re: We Wish You Were English

Postby Vhero » Tue Apr 20, 2010 4:48 pm

Good list.. De Jong is making an impact on the PL isn't he?? I think if we ever wanted to get rid we could get a real nice sum for him. He is definitely settled now and made himself top 4 material.
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