The Premier League may be The Best League in the World™, while the Championship is apparently the fourth most-watched in Europe but it appears League One is the place to be if you want to catch the eye of a multimillionaire one-time Playboy model. According to the Sun, Sybil Danning, "a former Hollywood action girl turned film producer, [who] featured on the cover of Playboy in the 1980s and was once christened the 'Sex Symbol of the Year'", and her husband Horst Lasse want to buy Sheffield Wednesday.
"We have been looking into buying an English team with a strong fan base and great potential," she said, while googling pictures of Gary Megson. "Sheffield Wednesday matches those ideals. It is one of the most famous names in English football and, even though it has suffered in the last few years, we believe we can give it the energy needed to get to the Premier League."
The B*ll*x thinks there is a joke about Owls and hooters in there somewhere but we've already had our cold shower for the morning and mustn't get worked into a hot, panting funk by the third paragraph.
You know what will calm us down? Picturing Carlos Tevez frowning like a professional footballer who's been asked to boot a sack of air around for a few minutes. But hold up! It seems that not only is Carlos prepared to leave the burning barrels on the picket line and return to ball-kicking duties, he's also happy to continue cashing his modest paycheck in England's humble Premier League. No longer welcome at Manchester City – and don't get him started on the local restaurants – Tevez still wants to stick around in Blighty, according to his adviser, Kia Joorabchian. "His family are now living in England, so he's quite happy and settled," said Joorabchian, to the general confusion of everybody everywhere.
Whether City will want to off-load Tevez to a domestic rival is not the B*ll*x place to speculate (though it could work out as a cunning act of sabotage) but they will have to deal with less welcome interest from the continent, with both Real Madrid and Milan eyeing up Thing lookalike Vincent Kompany to become part of their Fantastic Back Four. They'll have to part with £20m before they even begin to discuss Lycra sizes with the Belgian centre-back.
Stoke are keen on Granada's on-loan Udinese defender Allan-Roméo Nyom. The 23-year-old Frenchman more than makes up for what he lacks in height with his speed, positioning and technical abili ... Oh, all right, he's actually 6ft 4in and eats Arsenal academy products for breakfast.
Rio Ferdinand could be on his way out of Manchester United – no merking – with the champions unwilling to discuss an extension to his contract, which runs until 2013, and Borussia Dortmund's Neven Subotic wanted as a replacement. If United leave him by the front gate alongside that sideboard they no longer need and the toaster with the broken muffin function, Harry Redknapp will be round in a jiffy to sling England's injury-plagued bantermeister in the boot of his Range Rover estate. Tottenham are also pining for the Celtic midfielder James Forrest, while Sunderland are hoping to persuade United to get rid of some more of their dead wood and loan them Tomasz Kuszczak.
Suppliers of wet-look gel to the north London area could be in for a hard Christmas with the news that Arsenal are set to loan their Moroccan striker/collapsible deckchair Marouane Chamakh back to Bordeaux. Meanwhile, according to the Daily Express, Junior Hoilett is set to spark a "transfer tussle" by turning down a new Blackburn deal. No interested parties are named. It's not all doom, gloom and chicken puns for Blackburn fans, though, with Rovers ready to (cock) fight it out with Leeds and West Ham for the services of Macclesfield's 17-year-old right-back Elliott Hewitt.
And to end on an appropriate note of anticlimax, here are 33 words that actually pass for a story in the Sun:
FRANCK RIBERY has dented the hopes of Premier League clubs chasing his signature by insisting he wants to see out his career at Bayern Munich.
France star Ribéry, 28, said: "It's perfect here."
Guardian's Mill
Tevez 'wants to stay in the Premier League'
Carlos Tevez wants to move to another Premier League club having been exiled by Manchester City.
Tevez, out of favour with City boss Roberto Mancini following the notorious bench episode against Bayern Munich, is keen to stay in England.
The striker’s City career looks over after Mancini said he was “finished” at the club and Tevez’s advisor, Kia Joorabchian, said the 27-year-old would welcome a move elsewhere in the Premier League.
“His family are now living in England, so he’s quite happy and settled,” said Joorabchian.
“He had some problems about being away from them before, but they are with him now and everything is fine. He’d be happy to move to another Premier League club.”
Tevez was initially charged with refusing to come off the bench under orders from Mancini in a Champions League tie in Munich on September 27.
City were forced to downgrade that charge to one of refusing to carry out duties as a first-team player and duly found Tevez guilty of five separate breaches of his contract.
Although City fined Tevez four weeks’ wages - around £1million - they were forced to halve that penalty on orders from the Professional Footballers’ Association, which sets the rulings for such practices.
“This week, the Professional Footballers’ Association rejected the claim that he had refused to come on as a substitute,” said Joorabchian.
“That has changed everything and clarified what actually happened.
“Carlos was desperate to play. He loves to play the game and always wants to play. Having to sit on the sidelines is very tough for him.
“It’s not easy for him at the moment, but, in the January transfer window, City will want to get him out either on a permanent basis or on loan.
“We’ll have to wait and see what happens.”
Joorabchian did confirm there was no way Tevez would return to former club West Ham, after their boss Sam Allardyce had expressed interest in taking him on loan.
“He loves West Ham... but that’s not going to happen,” said Joorabchian.
KOLO TOURE is facing a £600,000 fine for his failed drugs test.
The Manchester City defender attended a two-hour disciplinary hearing with club officials yesterday after being banned by the FA for six months in March.
The Premier League leaders have seven days to inform Toure of their decision, but are expected to hit him with a six-week fine for gross misconduct.
City stood by the £100,000-a-week star and honoured his contract in full while he was suspended.
But Starsport under- stands the Blues fear a backlash from Carlos Tevez and his camp should they fail to punish Toure in accordance with his crime. Tevez was fined four weeks’ wages – up- wards of £800,000 – for refusing to warm up dur- ing his side’s Champions League defeat at Bayern Munich last month.
This was reduced to a two-week fine when the PFA intervened.
But the PFA are powerless to stop the Blues hitting Toure with an even bigger fine as it is allowed for players who have failed a drugs test.
He is expected to challenge the decision after maintaining the positive test, which detected traces of a banned substance, was unintentional and caused by taking his wife’s slimming pills.
PFA chief executive Gordon Taylor said: “We presented the fact that the FA could have given him two years but only gave him six months because they took into account that it was a genuine mistake and not performance-enhancing or a diuretic to mask drug-taking.
“He also had excellent character references from Arsenal and a number of other players.
“It just seems strange that after being welcomed back to the club, reinstated as captain for Carling Cup matches, that someone has come up with this hearing.
“Instead of sending out a message that this is someone who has made a mistake and served his punishment already, they are now taking action against him again.
“He trained every day while he was off and maintained a very positive attitude, so he was shocked to find they were looking to take action against him.”
City boss Roberto Mancini has backed Mario Balotelli to come in from the cold and fire up City’s stuttering Champions League campaign against Villarreal in Spain tomorrow.
The in-form Italian comes back from a three- match ban after scoring six goals in his previous six outings.
Super Mario kart! City striker Balotelli builds racetrack in his back garden
Manchester City striker Mario Balotelli has turned the garden of his mansion into a race track.
The 21-year-old Italian is apparently keen of tearing up his land on a quad bike.
News of Balotelli's hobby comes just a week after he had to temporarily move out of his new house and into a hotel because of fire damage after a firework was let off in his bathroom during a party.
The strikers lifestyle off the pitch does not seem to be having a negative impact on his performances on it.
So far this season the striker has netted six goals in ten games for City including a brace in the Manchester derby last weekend.
Country house: Mario Balotelli house with his quad bike parked outside
But his off the pitch antics that are attracting the headlines as much as his goals.
A source told The Sun: ‘Mario absolutely loves playing sport, whether it’s football, swimming, karate or judo. But with the quad bike he has the speed too.
‘He’s moved from an apartment block to a country house and has been tearing around now there’s no one to complain about the noise.
‘He’s like a big kid. His girlfriend Raffaella doesn’t get it at all though.
‘This is definitely something for him to do with the lads.’
The City star switched from a city centre flat to a mansion near Alderley Edge, Cheshire — home to fellow football stars from both Manchester clubs.
As it was: Balotelli's garden before he got his quad bike
His quad bike has been spotted standing unused on the forecourt while he stays in a hotel.
The source added: ‘Mario lives in a very posh area, with lots of big houses on leafy streets.
‘People aren’t living on top of each other like in his old place. But they definitely won’t have a problem hearing when he’s back in the neighbourhood.’
FOOTBALL NEWS
Mario Balotelli: Strong start to the season
MANCINI REVEALS BALOTELLI OFFERS
Manchester City boss Roberto Mancini has confirmed that the club turned down the chance to sell Mario Balotelli back to Italy this summer.
The Italy international joined City in 2010, but had struggled to settle in England prior to this season and that led to him being linked with a number of Serie A clubs.
He has since had a brilliant start to this season with six goals to his name, but Mancini revealed that the club could have allowed the former Inter Milan man to return to Italy.
"Sooner or later Balotelli will go back to Italy," the City boss told the Corriere della Sera on Tuesday. "That is for sure.
"However, it won't happen for a few more years and it will do him good to remain at Manchester City for the time being.
"We did receive various offers for him from Italian clubs over the summer, but we don't sell anybody here."
Arsenal owner Stan Kroenke says Manchester United are streets ahead of Manchester City off the pitch
Stan Kroenke, Arsenal’s majority owner, has lavished praise on the Glazer family’s stewardship of Manchester United and questioned the long-term benefit of billionaire benefactors, arguing that sport should be about more than spending power.
“I would be much more proud if all our leagues were developed with the idea that you are competing on the basis of intellect and work and effort instead of just simply, 'I am going to throw dollars against the wall’,” said Kroenke.
With the rest of the Premier League struggling to keep pace with Manchester City, Kroenke defended Arsenal’s self-sustainable model and made a point of acclaiming the Glazers for underpinning their phenomenal success by developing Manchester United infrastructure and revenues.
Kroenke’s own takeover at Arsenal differs fundamentally from the controversial leveraged model that has loaded debt on United, but he said that supporters should focus on the results.
“What was so tough about the Glazers’ situation?” said Kroenke. “They won. And they have increased revenues by a huge amount. If I was a fan of that club I would go ’wow’. Because how could you do it any better?”
When it was put to him that the Glazers had taken money out of the club, Kroenke said: “Some of their players have taken money out and maybe they haven’t performed. I think it’s time maybe for everybody to think a little bit.
“In the States, you would never get this dialogue. He [Glazer] took money out of the club. So what? Jerry Buss [the owner of the Los Angeles Lakers] takes money out of the club. A lot of owners in the US do. No-one ever says anything about it. Did the Lakers win anything? Well, yeah, they did. How big is their revenue? Pretty darn good.”
There were also words of caution when the subject turned to the business models of Manchester City or Chelsea, who have been so reliant on the respective wealth of Roman Abramovich and Sheikh Mansour.
When asked how Arsenal can compete with “petro-dollar fuelled” clubs, Kroenke said: “I think you can have people, and we have had them in the States, where they will spend a lot and they will do it for a little while and they might have some success.
“But maybe the person everyone is relying on maybe gets tired of it or has a financial reversal. What you are doing is that you are putting the focus on one person, one resource and is that really in the interests of a long term situation for a great club that many people identify with and rely on?
“Anybody who is a sportsman would rather compete on the basis of intellect and cleverness than they would at being able to throw money against the wall. Anyone can go and buy a player, but it takes a lot more to identify that player, develop that player and position him.
“If you look at our history we are long-term investors. We don’t get involved just to be here, be gone tomorrow, flip and make a profit. That’s not us.”
Kroenke has never taken money out of his various sports teams and has guaranteed that his share purchases will place no debt on Arsenal.
Yet the intentions of Premier League owners have been placed firmly under the spotlight in recent weeks. Liverpool chief executive Ian Ayre raised the idea of selling overseas television rights individually while Richard Bevan, the chief executive of the League Managers’ Association, claimed that “a number” of overseas owners were debating whether relegation should be scrapped.
“I’m not going to start throwing out that there’s a direction that the Premier League should take,” said Kroenke. “It’s a tremendously successful league. It would be presumptuous of me to comment. I think that is for people who have studied that and understand it.”
Krorenke has been in London since last Thursday and, after watching the 5-3 win against Chelsea, he personally addressed the players at the club’s London Colney training base yesterday morning.
“I told them that I’m proud of them, that they have faced adversity but I think they have shown a real class and spirit in fighting through it,” he said.
Kroenke also told of how he became engaged in conversation with Chelsea fans as he walked to Stamford Bridge.
“They were very good,” he said. “They were talking to me a little bit about the stadium. It [Arsenal’s stadium] has been developed. We have a strong economic model, something they don’t have and it is something they are interested in.”
Kroenke has also spoken with Robin van Persie, the Arsenal captain, whose contract expires in 2013. While Kroenke would not comment on that specific situation, he did further explain the departures of Cesc Fabregas and Samir Nasri.
“One of the players who departed had nothing to do with money,” said Kroenke. “You could say, 'well, the other player departed for money’. That’s where being smart and not being smart comes in. You’ve got one year left on a player’s contract. You’ve got a large sum of money being offered.
“Can you employ those resources better than you could had you not taken the money, taken a chance on losing the guy for nothing in a year or perhaps overpaying for him now and having less resources later?”
Of Van Persie, he said: “I think he’s doing a great job. Arsene said the other day 'can we succeed if we are not together? Absolutely not’.
If we are together we have a chance. I think that Robin van Persie gets that and I think he has shown real leadership.”
Van Persie later tweeted his approval: “It was great to hear from Stan Kroenke today before training - great speech,” he said.
OTHER BOLLOX
Former glamour model Sybil Danning wants to buy League One club Sheffield Wednesday. the Sun
[spoiler]
[/spoiler] Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp insists he is not looking to bring any new players to White Hart Lane when the transfer window opens in January. talkSHIT
Dutch striker Ricky van Wolfswinkel insists he does not want to leave Sporting Lisbon and has vowed to stay in Portugal for at least two years. The 22-year-old has been linked with a move to Manchester United. talkSHIT
United could be eyeing up Schalke striker Klaas-Jan Huntelaar as a possible replacement for Dimitar Berbatov after the Netherlands forward rediscovered his form following difficult spells at Real Madrid and AC Milan. Metro
Exciting Belgian youngster Eden Hazard is set to spark a scramble for his signature between Arsenal, Chelsea, Inter Milan and Real Madrid after saying he will leave French champions Lille at the end of the season. talkSHIT
Arsenal have sent scouts to check out Cologne striker Lukas Podolski and could be set to splash out £20m for the Germany international in January. footylatest.com
Bolton are hoping to take Liverpool youngsters Raheem Sterling and Jon Flanagan on loan in the January transfer window. Caught offside
Arsenal's majority shareholder Stan Kroenke has lavished praise on the Glazer family at Manchester United. "They won. And they have increased revenues by a huge amount. If I was a fan of that club, I would go 'wow'. Because how could you do it any better?" he said. the Sun
Tottenham's Rafael van der Vaart believes the wheels could come off Manchester City's title bid because of too many "egos" within the squad. Guardian
Liverpool striker Andy Carroll believes the Reds have proven they are well equipped to deal with the absence of Steven Gerrard and Jamie Carragher. Daily Telegraph
Under-pressure Blackburn boss Steve Kean is ready to buy a house in Lancashire - a big sign that his job is safe. The Scot currently rents in the area. Daily Mirror
Bolton midfielder Nigel Reo-Coker has laid into his team-mates after growing sick of their shocking start to the season. Daily Mirror
Wigan chairman Dave Whelan insists he will never sack manager Roberto Martinez despite the club's poor start to the season. Daily Mail
Chelsea boss Andre Villas-Boas is backing his team to recover from "a disastrous week" in which they suffered successive Premier League defeats to London rivals QPR and Arsenal. the Guardian
Hammersmith and Fulham police has requested television footage from the QPR-Chelsea game to help them decide whether to launch a full investigation into allegations that Blues defender John Terry racially abused Rangers' stopper Anton Ferdinand. the Guardian
Meanwhile, Chelsea midfielder Florent Malouda says racism still exists in football and is born out of ignorance and a lack of education. the Daily Telegraph
Sir Bobby Charlton says Sir Alex Ferguson will continue to manage Manchester United for as long as he possibly can. "He'll go on and on and on. Absolutely. You'll have to put up with him for a while yet." the Daily Telegraph
Mexican Primera Division side Jaguares have replaced the names on the back of shirts with each player's official Twitter account name. Metro
