by Nigels Tackle » Mon Sep 01, 2014 3:42 pm
the fiver's take on the today and the falcao deal....
ER WAR SUPERSTAR
It was early in the morning and only the very committed and very lonely were watching the rolling coverage of deadline day on Sky Sports News. Nothing was happening. Nothing. It was too early, so early that the Fiver hadn’t even thought about having its first shower since 1992, before deciding against it on the grounds that there’s always next week and people seem to enjoy that musky, oniony scent anyway. And yet there it was, chained to its desk, bleary-eyed, slowly losing the will to live as it watched some excitable, smiling, disturbingly giddy grown men and women, all of whom have the right to vote and drive, gad about a studio in excitable fashion and talk about nothing, because the rest of the country was still asleep and no transfers had happened yet. “Don’t you absolutely love this day?” Sky Sports News Man said to Sky Sports News Woman, sounding slightly sinister. “I absolutely love it!” said Sky Sports News Woman.
You had to admire their steadfast optimism, their ability to look at the world and see only rainbows and lollipops, the way they never allowed themselves to be consumed by doubt. There was a flicker, when Sky Sports News Man turned to Alan Curbishley and said “Alan Curbishley, still with us …” which appeared to be code for “Alan Curbishley … still ... with ... us … after all these years … how long is it now … honestly … he won’t go … we’ve tried … we really have … but he’s bought a place next to the studio now … I don’t think he’ll ever leave … Alan, have you thought about getting a job elsewhere … Alan … oh, forget it … Alan, what do you think Jermain Defoe would offer QPR? Alan, don’t you absolutely love this day?”
But the moment soon passed and everything was sweetness and light again on this, the most deadliney of days, and the workers were happy once more. And why not? Deadline day is, of course, a time for togetherness, conviviality and family. It is a chance for every male member on the Sky Sports News team to wear a yellow tie, presumably as a tribute to their beloved leader Jim White, leaving the Fiver to wonder if soon they will all have plastic surgery to make themselves look exactly like Jim White.
It is a chance for us all to dream about our team maybe signing Jason Puncheon on loan at 10.47pm, for us all to gorge on football’s largesse, to act first, spend loads of money on that shiny new striker you don’t really need and think about the consequences later. Or, maybe, to never think about the consequences. BECAUSE YOU ARE ED WOODWARD AND YOU ARE A NEGOTIATING MACHINE, A MACHINE, AND YOU, YES YOU, WERE THE ONE WHO NEGOTIATED A DEAL TO BRING RADAMEL FALCAO, 29 SOON AND IN POSSESSION OF A QUESTIONABLE FITNESS RECORD, TO MANCHESTER UNITED AND IT DOESN’T MATTER IF HE CAN’T PLAY CENTRE-BACK OR RIGHT-BACK OR LEFT-BACK OR CENTRAL MIDFIELD OR RIGHT WING OR CENTRAL MIDFIELD OR CENTRAL MIDFIELD BECAUSE YOU ARE ED WOODWARD AND DID ANYONE SEE DAVID GILL PULLING OFF DEALS LIKE THIS AND NOW WHO LOOKS STUPID?
Not Manchester United, that’s for sure.
