Our exiled leader speaks out!
Twitter stalwart @thebig_sam is mad as hell and he’s not going to take it anymore. Speaking for the first time since he was suspended from the popular social networking site, he unleashed a volley of Northern Fire at an opportunistic impersonator and pledged that, one way or another, he’ll be back online within a week.
“Two hours!” he roared. “That’s all it took for some fucker to start impersonating me! He’ll get what’s coming to him. He’ll be sat at his desk one day – stroking his lank hair with his bony, lying fingers – and Big Sam will swoop upon him like a magnificent maelstrom of anger and cunning. He’s a disgrace. He’s playing with a Tiger and he’s armed with a plasticine gun. He shall be vanquished.”
Choking back tears of rage, @thebig_sam recounted the moment he discovered that Twitter had frozen him out.
“I’d just returned from wine-tasting. Well, I say ‘wine-tasting.’ It’s basically a big shed where myself and a few friends meet up of an evening to taste wine and watch chickens fight to the death. Anyway, I came home and I knew something was wrong. The missus was crying, the answer-machine was blinking like Harry Redknapp and my dog Fergie had defecated everywhere. I logged on to my internet computer and my world came crashing down. It soon became eye-gougingly clear what had happened – they’d done a Mandela on me. I’d been dethroned and send packing to a virtual Robben Island. A travesty.”
A friend of @thebig_sam, who spoke only on condition of anonymity, confirmed that Twitter had moved to suspend the account three days ago, but revealed that no official reason had been given for the ban.
“Forms have been filled out and we’ve requested a review, but we’ve had no response at all. We sent another email earlier today, but still nothing. What really grates is that there are so many spoof accounts still out there. Some are even on book deals.”
“There are plans in motion for a comeback, but there are obvious concerns about dumping an account with nearly 40,000 followers. The worry about starting a new one is that people might worry it’s just another chancer stealing the idea . Hopefully, they’ll be familiar enough with the style to know that it’s the real thing.”
Invigorated by the support his followers have shown him over the past three days, @thebig_sam is insistent that, unlike his tenure at Blackburn Rovers, his Twitter career isn’t over yet.
“I’m weighing up my options,” he said thoughtfully. “But I can tell you this. I’ll be back. With a bang. Like – BOOM! The resurrection will soon be upon us.”
Supplier of Piffle attempted to contact Twitter for comment repeatedly over the weekend, but by the time we pressed ‘Publish’, they still hadn’t got back to us.
from @ianmacintosh
